it seems like this year will be very tough... lost some friends along the way... but the way it looks, its better to shed the cancerous cells at an early stage rather than a later stage... even though friends are harder to come by these days... but i think you cannot compromise the standard which you hold your friends at...
its such a shame... and i'm very sad i had to resort to this... but integrity is very important, especially for friends... i may be holding you to an unfair standard... but for the longest time i held you up at a very high standard... it is so sad that are thing end this way... and maybe one day we can be good friends again... but right now, whether this is either being more careful about my friends or punishment to myself for being so senile and expending the amount of emotion on you... i dont think i can even carry a proper conversation with you, not even a casual one
if it turns out that we wont be able to becomes friends again... then i guess its really a shame...
tough year ahead... already a tough start...
wish me luck
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
liar's game... i give up...
free time... you love to have it, but hate it sometimes too... when you have free time, sometimes you tend to let your mind wander a little bit... it could be the most random thing ever, its like digging for a well in egypt... you keep digging but you'll find more sand than anything else...
today a thought crept into my mind...one thing she told me was that she was not ready to begin another relationship even if she thinks about someone else, even if its only 10 minutes per day... so that got me thinking...
when they first started... so many years ago, i guess there was no one on her mind... but the funny thing was that i find that quite hard to believe, and theres only 2 explanation that i can come up with...
1) either the 10 minute per day thing is a nice way of rejection, which is horrible, since the door is left partially open for hope.
2) she never considered anything between us from the start, since they started right after we broke things off. so i guess i did not occupy anytime in her mind when they started.
either way... i felt like a loser, wasting so much time and effort on a liar... manipulated by a puppet master...
i will no longer be your driver, i will need to find my own happiness... and it cannot be found with you... so i quit this liar's game...
either way... i feel like a failure when it comes to doing things
today a thought crept into my mind...one thing she told me was that she was not ready to begin another relationship even if she thinks about someone else, even if its only 10 minutes per day... so that got me thinking...
when they first started... so many years ago, i guess there was no one on her mind... but the funny thing was that i find that quite hard to believe, and theres only 2 explanation that i can come up with...
1) either the 10 minute per day thing is a nice way of rejection, which is horrible, since the door is left partially open for hope.
2) she never considered anything between us from the start, since they started right after we broke things off. so i guess i did not occupy anytime in her mind when they started.
either way... i felt like a loser, wasting so much time and effort on a liar... manipulated by a puppet master...
i will no longer be your driver, i will need to find my own happiness... and it cannot be found with you... so i quit this liar's game...
either way... i feel like a failure when it comes to doing things
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
my choices, my consequences....
well as hard as it was to come out from my mouth... i said it... and it took an entire cup of bubble tea for it to come out... so it was actually quite hard, but sometimes no matter how much you want to hold someone, you need to let them go...
if we weren't a good match then we're not a good match... didn't see each other for 3+ weeks, and the best we could do was to muster some small chit chat... but then i guess at that point it was kinda late... just things i question about us in a relationship... and truthfully i couldn't put my finger on it, but i felt something was a little off with her, but like i said, couldn't put my finger on it...
well i think being away from someone for a while definitely gives you a different perspective on things... it wasn't like i didn't miss her on the trip, but just that, maybe this is my fault more than anything, is that when out of sight, out of mind. I have almost zero attention span...
i dont want to blame it on anyone, but when i got to HK, when i saw vinci again, the flame was truely gone... and it was a little bit sad at first too, but then i guess thats what time does... make even very vivid memories fade away... i think my fling with cora was more or less jump started by vinci. not saying that i didn't have any feelings for cora, but for the longest time those feelings did not sum up to anything, and as best as vinci described it, she was the little spark in my life at that time...a spark that burnt brightly, but only for a brief moment... in that brief moment, it made me want to hold on to more..... its true that when it comes, there is nothing that can be done...
in the end, i'm the one who makes the choices... letting you go may turn out to be the biggest mistake i've ever made, maybe its just the wrong timing, or that the time has already passed... but i can only go forward, even if it means driving with one eye in the rear view mirror, i'll always be going forward....
if we weren't a good match then we're not a good match... didn't see each other for 3+ weeks, and the best we could do was to muster some small chit chat... but then i guess at that point it was kinda late... just things i question about us in a relationship... and truthfully i couldn't put my finger on it, but i felt something was a little off with her, but like i said, couldn't put my finger on it...
well i think being away from someone for a while definitely gives you a different perspective on things... it wasn't like i didn't miss her on the trip, but just that, maybe this is my fault more than anything, is that when out of sight, out of mind. I have almost zero attention span...
i dont want to blame it on anyone, but when i got to HK, when i saw vinci again, the flame was truely gone... and it was a little bit sad at first too, but then i guess thats what time does... make even very vivid memories fade away... i think my fling with cora was more or less jump started by vinci. not saying that i didn't have any feelings for cora, but for the longest time those feelings did not sum up to anything, and as best as vinci described it, she was the little spark in my life at that time...a spark that burnt brightly, but only for a brief moment... in that brief moment, it made me want to hold on to more..... its true that when it comes, there is nothing that can be done...
in the end, i'm the one who makes the choices... letting you go may turn out to be the biggest mistake i've ever made, maybe its just the wrong timing, or that the time has already passed... but i can only go forward, even if it means driving with one eye in the rear view mirror, i'll always be going forward....
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
round trip to no where...
was on a trip to HK... came back... seems like everything was gone... not like how i remembered it when i left...
i dont want to see her now, dont want to talk on the phone with her....
maybe this is for the better... never was a good fit to begin with.
this is a failed entry...
i dont want to see her now, dont want to talk on the phone with her....
maybe this is for the better... never was a good fit to begin with.
this is a failed entry...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
fast forward... compressed entry..
Aug 16...
went to watch the movie "Scott Pilgram" with Vinci in the afternoon... did some shopping with her... it seems as though our time was ending... so couldn't help but feel there was a heavy air around us both, however she was very happy, real or not, it was contagious, very light hearted attitude toward things, definitely a plus in my books...
helped her at her aunt's place... feels like the whole world knew about us, but it felt like knowing that your death is nearing and theres nothing you can do about it because things happen for a reason...
the rush to the airport was quite hectic, but it did make the farewell more enjoyable, with more people saying bye to vinci... made it less sad to do so...
Later that evening...
i think vinci leaving on us like that, combined with xylia and ricky's wedding and ricky's grandma, really made me think, think of how important it is to cherish the people around us...
cora put it best, bumper cards, me and her have been bumping back and forth, left and right, always seems to be bumping into things and people... even into each other a couple of times before, but each time it just never stuck...
i feel guilty a little bit inside, knowing that vinci has not even left for 2 full days yet... but i dont want to lose cora into the traffic of bumper cars again... even though vinci is still near and dear to me, but i want to at least put my foot in the door, at least i am in cora's mind, because theres always been something between the two of us... we always seem to bump back into each other. I think this guilty feeling is coming from the fact that i am having feelings for 2 people at the same time... which unfortunately always seems to be a dilemma that i am faced with...
on one hand, vinci was the spark in my life, that made me see relationships are worth every penny and every second if that person is the right fit...
on the other hand, cora has always been there, and i even tried to push her away a couple of times, but somehow we just seem to drift back together...so i dont want to take her for granted moving forward...
both have very distinct and strong places in my memory, but i can safely say that if me and vinci did not happen, i would not have cherished cora as i do now...
thank you vinci for helping me re-discover the fun and laughter in a relationship again...
thank you cora for being there even when we both felt it was best to part ways.....
everything happened too fast... i will do all i can within my power to treat both as fairly as i can... i hope i can make to right choices when i am needed to make these choices...
went to watch the movie "Scott Pilgram" with Vinci in the afternoon... did some shopping with her... it seems as though our time was ending... so couldn't help but feel there was a heavy air around us both, however she was very happy, real or not, it was contagious, very light hearted attitude toward things, definitely a plus in my books...
helped her at her aunt's place... feels like the whole world knew about us, but it felt like knowing that your death is nearing and theres nothing you can do about it because things happen for a reason...
the rush to the airport was quite hectic, but it did make the farewell more enjoyable, with more people saying bye to vinci... made it less sad to do so...
Later that evening...
i think vinci leaving on us like that, combined with xylia and ricky's wedding and ricky's grandma, really made me think, think of how important it is to cherish the people around us...
cora put it best, bumper cards, me and her have been bumping back and forth, left and right, always seems to be bumping into things and people... even into each other a couple of times before, but each time it just never stuck...
i feel guilty a little bit inside, knowing that vinci has not even left for 2 full days yet... but i dont want to lose cora into the traffic of bumper cars again... even though vinci is still near and dear to me, but i want to at least put my foot in the door, at least i am in cora's mind, because theres always been something between the two of us... we always seem to bump back into each other. I think this guilty feeling is coming from the fact that i am having feelings for 2 people at the same time... which unfortunately always seems to be a dilemma that i am faced with...
on one hand, vinci was the spark in my life, that made me see relationships are worth every penny and every second if that person is the right fit...
on the other hand, cora has always been there, and i even tried to push her away a couple of times, but somehow we just seem to drift back together...so i dont want to take her for granted moving forward...
both have very distinct and strong places in my memory, but i can safely say that if me and vinci did not happen, i would not have cherished cora as i do now...
thank you vinci for helping me re-discover the fun and laughter in a relationship again...
thank you cora for being there even when we both felt it was best to part ways.....
everything happened too fast... i will do all i can within my power to treat both as fairly as i can... i hope i can make to right choices when i am needed to make these choices...
Monday, August 9, 2010
thoughts on a cloud...
couldn't concentrate at work today... today just felt like shit... and the rain just topped it off..
god dam
please don't make it worse than it already is..
god dam
please don't make it worse than it already is..
Sunday, August 8, 2010
happy but broken ending...
it was really sad... really too bad... but despite my best effort, I am still a failure... way to go to destroy another friendship... i have no one to blame but myself if I lose this friendship... so don't let anything happen to this great friend of mine... i'm willing to take away from my own to make up. I let this happen before and now I am seeing it happen again, please don't let it happen again...
trying to rebuild what is broken is a hard task, much harder than i ever imagined... and even after it is fixed, it will never be the same...
you're an amazing person that i missed out on...
mmmm
nah nah nah
i do not recall / as i recall
sau pei
uh huh
eeeeeee
you brought back the great feeling of being in a relationship, something that disappeared from me 2 years ago... but if doing so means hurting anyone, than i rather not know how to be in a relationship again.
either you know it or not... you've changed my life for the better... thank you.
trying to rebuild what is broken is a hard task, much harder than i ever imagined... and even after it is fixed, it will never be the same...
you're an amazing person that i missed out on...
mmmm
nah nah nah
i do not recall / as i recall
sau pei
uh huh
eeeeeee
you brought back the great feeling of being in a relationship, something that disappeared from me 2 years ago... but if doing so means hurting anyone, than i rather not know how to be in a relationship again.
either you know it or not... you've changed my life for the better... thank you.
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